Wednesday, January 23, 2013

One-Month Megan continued

Out of all the date stories I tell, this one takes the cake. This one is the cake. I still look back and can't believe this was actually an event in my life. I do feel kind of bad for this one though, so I will start this story by first admitting fault. Ben was Sebastian's best friend. In my defense, Sebastian ended up being a fuckhead, and Ben was a really good guy, and an extremely nice guy. Nice guy's don't lose the race, they genuinely don't know there is a race going on, so they never stand a chance to win.
     I really did like Ben at one point, until I realized he was a STAGE 5 CLINGER. Seriously. If you have a significant other, and they start showing signs of this, leave them immediately  Only terrible things can come from clingers of this magnitude. I'm talking about serious shit, like, they probably have a lock of your hair, just in case you die they can make a clone of you. Or just to hold while  you are at work. Do you ever wake up and feel like someone was watching you? That's because they were. Clingers don't fuck around. Literally, you are their one and only 4 lyfe. 
   Okay back to my favorite story. 
   I mean, it's like REALLY good. 
  So Ben and I dated for 3 weeks and 5 days. The first 2 weeks were bliss. This is about the amount of time the first 5 symptoms of a stage 5 clinger seem wonderful. I mean, they think you are the SHIT. You start to think you ARE the reason the sun rises, I mean why not? Fuck science. The world revolves around you. You fell from heaven, and the impact just made you fucking prettier. He's in touch with his emotions. I mean absurdly in touch. This is because he has two vaginas. Once a stage 5 clinger falls in love, their personal growth comes to a complete stop, because all they spend their brain power is thoughts of you, thoughts of you and them, poems/songs to write about you, portraits they will paint of you, places you will go together, and what to name your 100 kids. Even if it is date 1, you two will be married with children. Totes not crazy talk. 
If love is a battlefield the only ones with guns are the clingers. 
Okay I have spoken my opinion about the cling-bots, back to the epic story of the inevitable broken heart of Ben. 
   After the the two weeks of floating on a cloud of my own awesomeness, I started to realize his insane co-dependent habits. Even at 15 I was an independent woman. Ain't nobody got time for co-dependent bullshit. I grew tired of the constant reminders of how perfect I was. I mean you can only compare my face to an angles SO MANY TIMES. The shitty poems were cute at first, but they just get weird after awhile. I can't hang out every fucking day, I have a life. I was in high school so I had to go out in the world and make immature, and stupid choices. Once I put all the pieces together, and realized what I was dealing with I decided to get out before he snatches a lock of my hair, or worse. 
   I started being distant and cold, trying to make him think less of me so the break up would be easier on him. For the next week I didn't respond to all 400 of his texts. Maybe only 2 of them. He seemed to be getting the picture. The month marker was approaching fast, and he knew of my tendencies already, and he was sure he'd be the one to break me of my one-month ways. Oh boy was he wrong. Poor guy. 
   It was 6th period, when I get a "Meet me by your locker" text. Hmmm, maybe I'll get lucky and he will break up with me! Then he can be the bad guy, and all my girl friends will feel bad for me. Perfect. So I meet him by my locker, and he is in bad shape. His face reeks of forlorn and is just plain pitiful. He looks at me with his puppy brown eyes, with the intensity of a dying solider, trying to get out the last words of informing his wife that he really really likes her. 
I should have seen what was coming. But I was an a really dumb 15 year old girl. Oblivious to the world. 
He leans in for a hug, and since I still have a heart at this point in time, I comply and hug him back. 
He whispers into my ear "I'm sorry I've been so distant, I just don't want to lose you...I love you"
OH MY GOD. OOOHHH LORDY. The fucking L word? really? At 3 weeks? I was flabbergasted.
My commitment issue self freaks the FUCK out. I literally broke out into a cold sweat. 
My heart was racing, with FEAR. 
I broke away from the hug, patted him on the shoulders, turned around and booked it.
I ran all the way to the end of the hall way, out of the doors, and all the way to my 7th period class.
That's right ladies and gents, I literally RAN from love. The worst part is, it felt amazing. My logical self tries to inform me that it way merely the endorphins released from the physical activity immediately following the incident. But I won't listen. Running from love is invigorating. 

and I've been doing it ever since. 

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

One month Megan

I used to be called "One-month Megan", not the most clever of nicknames seeing how it was in reference to my inability to have a relationship longer than a month. It's basically just a not that fancy way of saying I had serious commitment issues. I mean the issue was serious, the commitment didn't have to be serious for me to be against it(by the way this was high school  so does it really even count? I mean in high school time 3 weeks is basically marriage)  I would get into a relationship with very high hopes, and then as soon as the month long marker was around the corner I would freak out, and break it off. It WAS me, not them. So in this blog I will talk about the 4 guys that fell victim to my 3 week and run tactic. 


So, first off let me clarify that he was not a crab, whether or not he had crabs is still up to joke about, I wouldn't know, I barley kissed the guy. His real name wasn't Sebastian, either. Not even close. It was actually Ryan, but for some reason I had this odd self entitiled right to re-name people, and it usually stuck too. Poor guy was called Sebastian for 2 years. Anyways, our first date happened a bit oddly, and was entirely endearing that's for damn sure. We were hanging out with a mutual friend at his house, laughing and having a good time doing what dumb Sophmores find entertaining. Our mutual friend's mom showed up, and demanded for her to go home. I planned on getting a ride home from her, so I was getting ready to go, and Sebastian slyly asked if I wanted to stay and watch 50 First Dates, his mom could  totally take me home when she got off of work later. Hmm. Is this a date, or am I just so fun to hang out with he didn't want me to leave, or does he just want to watch a funny movie with company? I didn't want to assume anything, being a girl with low self-confidence (aka 15) I figured he just wanted someone to hang out with, nothing more. So he turns on the movie, and we are sitting on the same couch 5 inches apart. Oh hey, 10 minutes have past and now we are sitting 4 inches apart..interesting . Probably just gravity. 40 minutes now, that 4 inches has been cut into half, its down to 2 inches. THIS HAS TO MEAN SOMETHING. Right? I can't tell if he's scootin' or I am. I don't want to make the first move. REJECTION IS TERRIFYING. Alright, movie has 20 minutes to go, and we are practically sitting on each other, this is ridiculous. One of us needs to man up, my hormones can't stand this gradual nonsense. Oh, hold on. Arm is raised. Either he is raising his hand to ask a question (in which case I am leaving), or that mother fucker is going to put his arm around me. Yep. Huston with have contact. The arm has has landed perfectly around my shoulders. Damn, 5 minutes of the movie left. We will soon have to face the reality of  his arm around me. Do I just suggest we watch it again? Maybe I can sneak the remote into my hand and press play again before we have exited movie-zombie mode. I will fake a head injury and insist we haven't watched it yet! It's perfect! We will have another hour and 40 minutes to slowly make moves. Who knows, we could end up cuddling at the end of this one. I have never cuddled at this point. Yes at 15, my cuddle cherry had yet to be popped, and I'll be damned if the end of a movie is going to ruin it. Okay, movie is over and I was unable to find the remote, Mission: Replay is a no go. Exit zombie-mode. I have no idea what to expect, is he going to take his arm back and pretend that never happened?! Here was the moment of truth, movie was over and we had to fill the silence with our own words. So I looked at him, casually, as if this is something we always do. I started out with the required post-movie commentary, as expected. 
Me "That's such a good movie! Dates, aren't they just something?" I wasn't the most subtle human alive, that's for sure. 
Sebastian "Yeah, they are. Would you like to watch another movie"
In my head "OH LORDY YES, AND I WANT TO CUDDLE, and maybe some popcorn, BUT MAINLY CUDDLING"
What I actually said "Yeah, that'd be cool"
So with that gained extra 2 hours, I popped my cuddle cherry, like a boss. It was adorable. 
We ended up "dating" for 3weeks and 3 days. Then I broke it off for Ben.

The mostly hopeless, but kind of romantic Ben. 
to be continued...

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Date #5

HELLO! My goodness, it has been awhile. Too many things have happened in the past month, too many things. My laptop broke, and I had to wait for my fancy new netbook (and by fancy I mean tiny and a piece of shit) but it does the job of internettin', so I am back in action to blog! 

I also have braces now, which is perfect timing for my next date story!

Date #5

Dates number 4-20 are all thanks to myspace, which I actually miss. It was almost too easy to meet perfectly normal guys, now if you add someone randomly on facebook due to their attractiveness it gets all creepy "WHERE DO I KNOW YOU FROM?" uhh we napped next to each other in pre-school "OHH, how have you been? It's been awhile". Sooner or later though, they will realize you did not in fact go to the same preschool. 

Okay moving on to the story. 

The good stuff. 

So, I had this goal of dating a guy with braces, I don't know what about having metal in their mouth made them so irresistible to me, but I had to get me some of that. So I come across a gorgeous piece of braceface that I have deemed worthy of my mission. He had the kind of face that you get excited and tell all of your friends if he texts you. Oh yeah, this was happening. I had been texting him for about 2 weeks, and meeting was on the tips of both our tongues, or fingers if you want to be literal. So I was hanging out at the local target, because I'm in highschool and thats just what you do if you live in a boring town. He sends me a text asking if I want to go see a movie right then, well I am hanging with a girlfriend at the time and actually had a heart so I couldn't just leave her hanging, so I tell him and he informs me his male cousin is tagging along. Double Date. Perfect. I remember distinctly what I was wearing at the time, my high waist blue polka dotted skirt, blue sparkly heels, purple cardigan and shirt with a dinosaur on it. I looked like a really hip, too cool for school teacher. I'm pretty sure that's what his first thought was too. So we go to the movie, he drives all of us and its a dandy good time.We get along like crazy, flirty, laughing. He is more attractive in person, and boy does he look goood in braces. I may or may not have pounced, and it was equally reciprocated  So we made out in the movie theater, I still to this day have not actually seen No Country for Old Men. My goal was completed, and awkward Megan does a fist pump into the air, after the date, but really. Oddly enough, I am pretty sure the braces made my mom trust him because he was the only guy she let stay over late. 

Unfortunately it didn't work out with metal mouth, which is the theme of all these dates, but as you can tell by the absurdly high volume of them I've been on, I never give up! 

I am starting to think I should work backwards so the ones I've been on recently will be fresher and more detailed, but it's just a thought. Feed back? 

Friday, November 30, 2012

Myspace extravaganza

I can not for the life of me remember my 3rd date. I have come to the conclusion that it must have been too boring for my brain to even consider making it a long term memory. It's cool.

So I went through a crazy Myspace dating period in my life. I think a lot of people did that, or at least that's what I like to convince myself so I don't feel so awkward about it. I was really fucking good at finding people on Myspace, like scary good. You could give me just your first name and maybe a few things about you and I could find you on Myspace. That site made stalking so easy. Not that I was creepy, I would add them and send them a message usually the same day, which I guess is creepy. Let me rephrase. I wasn't in your bushes creepy, I was more like show up at your door with flowers creepy. Luckily guys don't care about that shit if your a cute girl, because none of them gave me flack for internet stalking them. They usually asked me out on a date. Which brings me to

Date #4

So there was this guy Tyler. This guy was the sliest mother fucker I have ever met. I have seen his magic work on multiple people, and it's damn impressive. He is to this day a fox. I had a crush on him the first time I saw him, which was a picture of him and his adorable girlfriend on his page. I was pretty bummed that he was taken, but such is life with most attractive charming guys. I gave up hope, but had a major crush on him anyways, because fuck it. I can daydream about this cutie, ain't harmin' nobody. It was about a year later when I got a friend request from Mr.Slyfox (a nick name I just came up with) himself. I hadn't been to his page in about a year, because seeing him with a girl that was not me was not the best feeling (I was 14, my emotions didn't have to be sane). So I go to his page, and guess who has two attractive thumbs and is single? That guy, that's who. I was so fucking happy. So we start commenting each other back and forth, shit was way cute. He asked if I wanted to hang out, and go to goodwill. Obviously I did. So I get there early, totally thinking this was a prank. No way did this guy want to hang out with me. Low and behold he shows up. And we have a fucking great time. We look at clothes that smelt of used human. We walked around aimlessly joking, and getting to know the real us. Then we ate at a questionable Chinese food restaurant, and stared into each others eyes. We walked over to the mall, and played some video games where I totally kicked his ass. He bought me and him hot chocolate and we sat outside drinking them, and discussing what our favorite video games were. I was 14 so I of course brought a camera and took pictures of us. I think mostly I wanted proof that it was indeed real, and not a dream. We ended the night we a kiss, and I basically floated on a cloud for at least a week.
  We ended up going on quite a few more dates after that, and dated for a few weeks. I let him borrow my favorite teddy bear, Mr. Pants. He still has him. Luckily I didn't give him my heart, or he probably would have done the same. Asshole.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012


I love my scooter. I love riding it. I love looking at it. I love when people don't try and hit it. I also love when people don't move it or touch it.

First off, I don't know what kind of idiots have been released into the world, but it is NOT cool to tamper with someone's stuff without their permission, I feel like this is a general rule, but for some unknown reason bitches have been moving my scooter around to take my parking spot. First off, this is my parking spot, you asshole. I wouldn't do that to your piece of shit car. I feel like everyone should treat scooters like genitals. Thou shall not touch, tamper or ride without permission from owner.
It's a pretty simple concept.

Another thing, just because I am on a scooter, and you are in a car does not mean you get to negate all rules. If we both have stop signs, and I get there first and you are a piece of shit, you have to wait for me to finish crossing for you to go. I don't care if I am going slower than an old lady carrying 2 midgets and an accordion on her back, you wait your fucking turn. I do enjoy being on a scooter, because it is much easier to communicate your feelings to other people. I can simply stop in the middle of the road, look you dead in the eye and point to your stop sign an then proceed to scoot off at a comfortable 3 mph.

It also comes in handy when I was to cut into traffic and they are backed up at a red light, I can just wave to the person and ask with arm signals that I would very much appreciate if they'd let me cut in front of them. Or else that's what I feel I'm saying, in reality I am flailing my arms around, pointing to the space in front of their car and giving them a shrug/thumbs up.

This is why, this is why

I'm hot.

This is why I'm hot.

Does anyone care to remember that song? Well I was putting on a playlist that had "Hit's from 00's", because any decision at 5:30am is a bad one and that is the first song that comes on. I then realize it's not the best music to be playing so early/late and I felt bad for my roommate. Then I realized I felt bad for my ears as well. It was in that moment of turning down, not off "This is Why I'm Hot' that I decided I really needed to reevaluate my life.

Because the singer of that song (whom I do not care to look up) knows why he is hot, and I am still very unsure of my own hotness, and where it would be originating from.

Also, have you ever thought something was completely normal and totally something everyone else did until you say it out loud and no one knows what the fuck you are talking about? No? Oh, well it's really awkward. My coworker added too much soap to the dish water so there were bubbles for days, and I was all like "hey remember when you were little, and you were taking bubble baths and you brought out the bubble monster (which is your hand opening and closing. it is seriously the quickest way to destroy bubbles) and ate all the bubbles? What's that mom? Bubble bath? I THINK NOT".

Yeah she just stared at me. Apparently "Bubble Monster" is a Megan only thing. Which is kind of sad, because he was way kick ass and I don't think any of my bubble baths would have been quite as cool without him.

I also used give myself bubble beards.

And if we had the good shampoo, I'd lather my hair up real nice and make that shit stand straight up...fuck it, I still do that.
It's the deciding factor of whether or not I buy a shampoo again. Because I'm an adult

Oh. No. Oh no. I just typed "bubble monster" into google to see if I could get a cool picture, and there was a picture of a fat man in a bubble bath holding his penis. Oh dear god. I am pretty sure he was sleeping in the picture, which makes it all the more strange. WHO TOOK THE PICTURE? This is something I can't unsee. Thanks a lot guy.

Monday, November 19, 2012


My brain and I fight a lot. And I don't mean this in a 'I'm fucking nuts" kind of way. Swear. I mean it more of a...we want very different things and can never find a way to agree. Okay I have officially made myself sounds nutso. Let me give a mediocre example.

Alcohol. I am all "Fuck yeah!", and my brains like "DOWN WITH BRAIN CELLS, DOWN WITH YOUR LIVER, I WILL MAKE YOU PAAAY". But this bitch always does all this after the fact. In the process of drinking, it's all like "I am king of the world! I can do anything! This is fucking awwweeesomeee". Why you got to play me like that, brain? I mean, don't make me like something if you are only going to fuck my shit up, down, left, and right. It's just not cool, ya dig?

Alcohol is my friend, and my favorite wing man. If alcohol, and my ego were people, and my confidence was on a really high shelf, alcohol is the type of person that would walk straight up to my ego and give him a boost. Even if he didn't ask/want the help.

bunny kisses.